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YOU KNOW YOU'RE GETTING OLD WHEN ...
- "Getting a little action" means you don't need to take a
laxative.
- Adult diapers are actually kind of convenient.
- All of your favorite movies are now re-released in color.
- At cafeterias, you complain that the gelatin is too tough.
- Conversations with people your own age often turn into "dueling
ailments."
- Everything hurts and what doesn't hurt, doesn't work.
- In a hostage situation you are likely to be released first.
- It takes a couple of tries to get over a speed bump.
- It takes longer to rest than it did to get tired.
- It takes twice as long to look half as good.
- It's harder and harder for sexual harassment charges to stick.
- Many of your co-workers were born the same year that you got your last
promotion.
- No one expects you to run into a burning building.
- People call at 9 p.m. and ask, "Did I wake you?"
- People no longer view you as a hypochondriac.
- Someone compliments you on your layered look.... and you're wearing a
bikini.
- The car that you bought brand new becomes an antique.
- The clothes you've put away until they come back in style... come back in
style.
- The end of your tie doesn't come anywhere near the top of your pants.
- The little gray-haired lady you help across the street is your wife.
- The pharmacist has become you new best friend.
- The twinkle in your eye is only the reflection of the sun on your
bifocals.
- There's nothing left to learn the hard way.
- Things you buy now won't wear out.
- When getting lucky means you find your car in the parking lot.
- When happy hour is a nap.
- When tying one on means fastening your MedicAlert bracelet.
- When you are cautioned to slow down by your doctor instead of the police.
- When you don't care where your wife goes, just so you don't have to go
along.
- When you have a choice of two temptations and you choose the one that will
get you home earlier.
- When you realize that caution is the only thing you care to exercise.
- When you step off a curb and look down one more time to make sure that the
street is still there.
- When you stop buying green bananas.
- When you wake up with that morning-after feeling, and you didn't do
anything the night before.
- When you were in school there was no history class!
- When your birth certificate says expired on it.
- When you're told to act your own age, and you die.
- You and your teeth don't sleep together.
- You are 17 around the neck, 42 around the waist, 96 around the golf
course.
- You are proud of your lawn mower.
- You begin every other sentence with, "Nowadays..."
- You burn the midnight oil until 9:00 P.M.
- You buy a compass for the dash of your car.
- You can't remember the last time you laid on the floor to watch
television.
- You come to the conclusion that your worst enemy is gravity.
- You confuse having a clear conscience with having a bad memory.
- You constantly talk about the price of gasoline.
- You don't know real embarrassment until your hip sets off a metal
detector.
- You don't remember being absent minded.
- You don't remember when your wild oats turned to prunes and all bran.
- You enjoy hearing about other people's operations.
- You feel like the morning after when you haven't been anywhere the night
before.
- You finally got your head together, now your body is falling apart.
- You find yourself beginning to like accordion music.
- You frequently find yourself telling people what a loaf of bread USED to
cost.
- You get exercise acting as a pallbearer for friends who exercise.
- You get winded playing chess.
- You give up all your bad habits and you still don't feel good.
- You have more patience; but actually, it's just that you don't care any
more.
- You have too much room in the house and not enough in the medicine
cabinet.
- You just can't stand people who are intolerant.
- You know all the answers, but nobody asks you the questions.
- You light the candles on your birthday cake, and a group of campers form a
circle and start singing "Kumbaya."
- You look both ways before crossing a room.
- You look for your glasses for a half an hour, and then find that they were
on your head all the time.
- You look forward to a dull evening.
- You no longer think of speed limits as a challenge.
- You quit trying to hold your stomach in, no matter who walks into the
room.
- You realize that a stamp today costs more than a picture show did when you
were growing up.
- You run out of breath walking DOWN a flight of stairs.
- You sing along with the elevator music.
- You sink your teeth into a steak ...and they stay there.
- You sit in a rocking chair and can't get it going.
- You start video taping daytime game shows.
- You take a metal detector to the beach.
- You turn off the lights for economic rather than romantic reasons.
- You wake up, looking like your driver's license picture.
- You wear black socks with sandals.
- You wonder how you could be over the hill when you don't even remember
being on top of it.
- You wonder why you waited so long to take up macramé.
- You would rather go to work than stay home sick.
- Your back goes out more than you do.
- Your best friend is dating someone half their age and isn't breaking any
laws.
- Your childhood toys are now in a museum.
- Your children are beginning to look middle-aged.
- Your ears are hairier than your head.
- Your idea of a night out is sitting on the patio.
- Your idea of weight lifting is standing up.
- Your investment in health insurance is finally beginning to pay off.
- Your joints are more accurate than the National Weather Service.
- Your knees buckle and your belt won't.
- Your little black book only contains names ending in M.D.
- Your memory is shorter and your complaining is longer.
- Your mind makes contracts your body can't keep.
- Your new easy chair has more options than your car.
- Your pacemaker raises the garage door when you see a pretty girl go by.
- Your secrets are safe with your friends because they can't remember them
either.
- Your supply of brain cells is finally down to a manageable size.
- You're asleep, but others worry that you're dead.
- You're on a TV game show and you decide to risk it all and go for the
rocker.
- You're sitting on a park bench, and a Boy Scout comes up and helps you
cross your legs.
- You're suffering from Mallzheimer's disease. You go to the mall and forget
where I parked my car.
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